Thursday, March 31, 2011

Warn Your Family, and Up Your Minutes

We had only been going out for a couple of weeks and for Valentine's day decided to drive down to Hunington Beach. We had dinner at Ruby's and then were sitting on the beach, it had to be around 9:00pm when my phone starting ringing. It was his mom. We ignored it. For 10 minutes my phone was blowing up! We ignored it. Then all of a sudden I notice a new number appeared on my was MY MOMS NUMBER. I couldn't ignore this one so picked up the phone as my mother proceeded to scream at me not because I was out late on a school night or anything normal, but because this boy scouts mother called my mom freaking out that we were in Huntington Beach.

So as I get yelled at, we have to rush home and I get grounded for the weekend. His mom does nothing, doesn't even yell at him when he gets home.

My mom's question, "Are you planning on being with this guy for a while or can I tell her off?" I should have let my mom tell her off.

The Boy Scout Ten Essentials

Every good Boy Scout knows there are ten essential things necessary to survive the wilderness:
1. Pocket knife
2. First-aid kit
3. Extra clothing
4. Flashlight
5. Rain gear
6. Water bottle
7. Map and compass
8. Matches
9. Sun protection
10. Trail food

Every good Boy Scout’s girlfriend should know there are ten essential things necessary to survive a Boy Scout.

1. Patience

If you don’t have this, turn back now. The beauty of the Boy Scout organization is that it teaches young men to have an absolute appreciation and hunger for learning. There are over 100 skills a Boy Scout can potentially earn a badge for. The inherent downfall-a mixture of mass accumulation of random knowledge and the desire to pass down these treasure troves of information. Learning to “whip rope” was never something I aimed to cross off my bucket list, I guess I can now.

2. Tactfulness

Learning to say “what the fuck are you doing with PVC pipe, baking soda, and super glue", with love, is a delicate skill to possess. Teaching a child that anything is possible seems so inspiring, until that child is twenty-seven and prepping for a real rocket launch just outside your house.

3. A “Moms Love Me” T-shirt

The Boy Scout’s mother will require a dedicated chapter. However, it can be said that dating an Eagle Scout magnifies the intensity of this relationship ten-fold. She has poured her very being into making him everything he is today. The sooner you realize you are only there to rip the light from her life, the sooner you will understand how to manage this relationship. The Boy Scout does no wrong and she has raised him well. That is all you need to know to survive.

4. God-like organizational abilities

Have you ever heard the saying “like herding cats”? Get familiar with it.

5. Adaptability

The only plan there is, is that there is no plan. The Boy Scout is a free spirit and goes where the wind takes him. The ability to keep track of time has been severely compromised, we think, by the Scouting program. We’re still trying to pin point where they’re going wrong with these kids.

6. The sense of humor of a 12 year-old boy

There is much to be learned from the Boy Scout organization. Profanity and immature jokes are high on the list. Put fifteen boys in a campsite together and you’ll probably hear things more vulgar than if you were sitting at a poker table, drinking beer, and smoking cigars with grown men. Maybe as they get older they get better at sheltering our delicate lady ears from this type of conversation. In any case, if there were a badge for learning to “flip the bird” every Boy Scout would be wearing it proudly by age seven.

7. Trash bags and soap

A Scout is Clean? Maybe this isn't a trait inherent of the male population in general and without us they would live happily in their own filth. However, Boy Scouts are supposed to live by a set of laws intended to make them better people. Proposed rules to add to the Scout Law: A Scout keeps, at minimum, a fire exit strategy through the junk accumulation in the house or a Scout cleans his bed sheets more frequently than every six months. After all, cleanliness is next to Godliness and Godliness is also a Boy Scout Law.

8. An extra set of wine glasses

Maybe it’s the years of being forced into various social situations, or all the random knowledge they obtain, that gives them the ability to talk to anyone about anything, but Boy Scouts have an impressive knack for befriending total strangers. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just be ready to have extra people to dinner occasionally.

9. GPS Phone Tracking

On your Boy Scout’s phone of course, not yours. Because at some point he will go missing and his mother will call you relentlessly-remember you are the murderer of happiness in her world, it must be your fault.

10. The Boy Scout 10 Essentials

Because your Boy Scout will forget them. That is all.